The Difference Between Confidence and Ruthlessness

One of the greatest frustrations is encountering people who claim to be "assertive" but are, in reality, mean. Their misguided confidence is often fueled by human behavior pitfalls, like the 7 Deadly Sins, which distort true assertiveness into something harmful.

Pride can twist confidence into arrogance, while wrath confuses anger with strength. Gluttony floods discussions with opinions, and envy mimics harshness to gain respect. Greed drives control, and the sloth avoids self-reflection. At its core, the desire for validation often elevates power over genuine connection, which is Lust.

True assertiveness, however, is about expressing your thoughts and needs in a way that respects you and those around you. It does not involve overpowering others with bluntness disguised as "honesty." Recognizing the subtleties that shape our behavior can help us distinguish between healthy confidence and harmful ruthlessness.

At its core, assertiveness is a careful balance between confidence and humility. Yet, pride can blur the line, turning rightful self-assurance into arrogance. True assertiveness embodies self-respect without self-importance like:

Clear communication: Stating your needs, boundaries, and thoughts without ambiguity.
Respect for others: Balancing your confidence with empathy and consideration.
Self-respect: Advocating for yourself without guilt or fear.

The key difference? Assertive people want to be understood, not feared. Mean-spirited behavior, born from excessive pride, dismisses others' feelings in favor of dominance. Assertiveness calls for introspection, not a need to see oneself as superior.

When people mistake assertiveness for unchecked anger, their behavior mirrors wrath rather than calm confidence. Here is what "fake assertiveness" often looks like:

Interrupting others constantly: Asserting your opinion does not mean silencing others.
Criticizing without care: Feedback should be constructive, not an excuse to vent frustrations.
Masking cruelty as "brutal honesty": If your "truth" serves only to hurt or humiliate, it is cruelty, not honesty.

People consumed by wrath often see domination as strength, but authentic assertiveness is measured, not reckless.

**True Assertiveness (Temperance vs. Gluttony)**

Where gluttony represents overindulgence, assertiveness thrives in temperance, a balance of self-expression, and consideration for others. Assertive individuals demonstrate restraint, avoiding the temptation to overwhelm conversations or inflate their importance:

Listening actively: Assertive people know communication is a two-way street.
Speaking calmly and confidently: Tone matters. A calm yet confident approach earns more respect than loud or cutting remarks.
Holding firm without aggression: You can stand your ground without raising your voice or resorting to personal attacks.

Assertiveness is a skill in moderation, an ability to share your views without overconsuming the conversation.

This confusion often stems from a powerful emotion: envy. It grows from the belief that appearing 'tough' is necessary to gain recognition or approval. We are told that leaders should be tough, direct, and unwavering, but this is often interpreted as harshness.

The media sometimes reinforces the idea that kindness equals weakness, causing some to lean into hostility when they really long to be respected. Envy of others' perceived strength can cause people to adopt a mean-spirited façade rather than embrace authentic self-confidence.

There is a greedy side to false assertiveness, an insatiable need for control or superiority that harms relationships. When disguised as strength, meanness can have lasting effects, for example:

Damaged relationships: Friends, colleagues, and loved ones may withdraw or avoid future interactions.
Lower morale: In work environments, this behavior demotivates teams and creates a toxic culture.
Undermined credibility: People may start to see you as difficult rather than strong.

True assertiveness requires sharing space with others, not hoarding control or drowning out their voices.

Breaking out of habitual meanness can feel difficult, like fighting against sloth, the inertia of sticking to familiar patterns. Correcting the course requires active steps:

Self-check your intention: Are you trying to resolve an issue or just trying to "win"?
Mind your tone and delivery: A message's impact depends on how it is said, not just what is said.
Model empathy: Assertiveness shines brightest when paired with kindness and understanding.

Correcting course means shaking off complacency and choosing intentional, thoughtful actions.

Lust is often tied to desires for approval, admiration, or recognition. When people become obsessed with their perception, they can sacrifice authenticity for allure. However, genuine assertiveness does not require an audience; it thrives in quiet integrity and self-respect.

True assertiveness uplifts interactions and relationships. It requires more than a loud voice or a 'take it or leave it' attitude. It demands self-awareness, empathy, and a commitment to respectful communication.

So, pause when you find yourself or someone else teetering between confidence and cruelty. Remember, assertiveness is a skill grounded not in dominance but in dignity. It is about valuing yourself and others enough to communicate your needs and boundaries in a considerate and respectful way.

JAH

*ASSERTIVE OR JUST MEAN?

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*ASSERTIVE OR JUST MEAN?

*WHY DON’T THEY GET IT?

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