* SEEDS
Hmm, where would I start? I suppose at the beginning, where it all started. Trauma for me started in the womb and continued throughout most of my life. Some of it from external sources like domestic violence and sexual abuse. Some of it was from internal sources. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck when I was born. A monk once said that the soul that was inhabiting this body before me died and I took its place. Life for me has been a fight from the time I arrived on this planet within this space and time. I fought tooth and nail to be here and later in my life I would try to end it; I would struggle with suicide for a long period in my life. I would (almost) fold like a piece of paper under the crushing reality of pain and anguish.
When I was a year old, my mother would hold my mouth closed while my father beat me with a coat hanger. If not for my grandmother I would likely not be alive. She and my great grandfather would bear the brunt of the burden until I was strong enough to stand on my own. My great grandfather created me in a higher dimension, so that I may be the family carrier of Karma - empowered with the responsibility to break family cycles. With this would come the harsh and rewarding fortunes of a life marred with struggles and a self sabotaging nature. A Lot of times I felt hopeless, yet driven. A lost soul trying to remember desperately why I chose to incarnate in this time and space.
When I was 6 years old I was molested by a female family member, which would send me spiraling down a path of unconscious hyper-sexuality and need for acceptance.The feeling of being tainted with no purpose or place would follow me around like my own personal rain clouds. When I got older I was easily swayed by the attention of a woman, being how I was molested and my mother and I never truly established a connection with one another. This lead me to take all of my relationships for granted. The affection and attention of a woman was kryptonite and I was Superman. Drowning in the acceptance of the moment,I had been swimming in the deep and destroyed every life preserver ever cast out to me. I would strangle myself afterwards as the crushing reality set in that I felt nothing.
This was the internal anguish I caused myself because I truly believed that I did not deserve to be saved. The trauma I experienced caused a whole host of issues that I have overcome. The family carrier of Karma has a heavy load to bear with heaps of responsibility. I chose to take this on because I knew that we could do it. I knew that I would have all of my ancestors behind me rooting me on, for with their help, we would change our family line forever. No longer would would our family be engulfed in pedophilia, suicide, alcoholism, self sabotage and the viscous burden of Karma accrued. Together we would shatter those lines and create something new going forward.
Sometimes, my legs feel weak and my mind feels as if it will crack under the enormous pressure of ensuring that our family lines breathe creation into a subtle and beautiful world. Sometimes, the future lines we have created have to drag me through the dark and murky consciousness we have created. I have learned to proceed without any certainty. The pressure squeezes me like a tube of toothpaste and all that comes out is that which is to be let go. I never really understood that, I suppose until I sat down to write this. Sometimes, holding on can be more harmful that just letting go.
There are ancestors that are afraid to let go and move on, imprisoned in the bowels of self toture. Marooned within the depths of labyrinths of destruction created over many eons on this earthly plane. I have razed all their labyrinths and given them nothing to hold on to. I have rained down fire upon these ideals and used the waters to cleanse them completely. The wind has blown them away and used the earth to establish something new and creative. Although, there would be times I would almost crumbled under the tension of centuries past; I would look forward to the future and receive advice from myself years down the road. I would look to the sage of the future to impart wisdom that I have not yet received. I would pass this down to the small boy crying in the closet while our father beat our mother religiously and mercilessly. I would impart wisdom and strength to a child whom felt nailed to the floor. I would empower him to get up and face his fears, because if he did not, our mother would certainly perish. And we could not have that. We could not have him sink into the dungeons of our lost hopes. They were just as important to our story as anyone else.
Our family, as dismal and grim as we may seem, has played an important role in endowing the collective conscious with much needed wisdom and knowledge of the totality of Self. Self can be a double edged sword and only skilled users may wield such great power, for with this great power comes great responsibility. I would not let our families falter. Empowered by the future, a 4 year old me, would elevate himself from the nails of past burdens and face his fears. While my father was choking my mother, I would confront him with a simple, yet effective method: I gaze into the eyes of the devil and show him that I was not afraid. I asked him nicely telepathically to let her go and help me save our families. He would reluctantly crumble under the weight of my fearlessness. I had figured it out; the fear was what had trapped our families in these cycles of incessant traumas. A simple choice to stand up and bellow the lost song of our traumatized ancestors.
We knew this song once and sang it with great pride and joy. And we would lose it to the cruel unforgiving edge of the double edged sword. You can only disrespectfully play with fire for so long before you are consumed by the flames. Our families had dabbled in the constant back and forth of “victim” and “victimizer”, each taking turns to repay vengeance on the other, all the while dooming both lines to rot in self dug graves of apathy and pity. A continual back and forth or trivial tit for tat. Hearing the pleas of the ancestors past and empowered by the sages of the future, we were able to cease the bullshit of the past and bask in the sunlight of the future. We were seeds and we buried ourselves, only we did not know we were seeds. I came back to give us all a gentle reminder of where we are going. Together we were able to propagate ourselves into a beautiful, budding flower we were always meant to be. Seeds are always cast into darkness and isolation and through this they rise from the ashes and illustrate what determination and perseverance can do. We were forged in the fires of hell and now we rise from those ashes as a phoenix.
Remember this, as an end nears, so too, does a beginning. One small choice can ripple throughout time and space and make a difference. When you find yourself deeply buried in the obscure recesses of family Karma, remember that, you too, may rise from the depths of a dark, crushing reality. You may bloom and bask in the joyous light of the Sun. Every ending empowers a new beginning. You choose which path to walk and, sometimes, the well lit path is not always the right one. Sometimes new pathways and neural pathways must be forged, no matter how hard it may seem. No Matter how unbreakable family cycles may seem; you have been blessed with eyes to see, ears to hear and hearts to feel.
You are the light bestowed within the seed compelling it to grow and erupt from the darkness, shedding years of pain and misery. Carry on loved ones, for if you knew how integral you are to the collective conscious, you would not feel so lonely, isolated and riddled with fear of expansion. Stand empowered that you were trusted to bring your family line forward. Fear not the challenge of carrying and transcending the Karma because your ancestors entrusted you with the power to overcome and transcend the Karma. They knew you would not fail. We are seeds and we must grow, as painful as it may be sometimes. We are the shadow walkers, getting close and intimate with that which most people would not even dare look at.
No need to fear failure, as nature will always support you, if you have an eye to see. Stop, rest, listen and breathe and the subtle winds of consciousness will whisper sweetly in you ear. Your third eye will open and you will see paths that others simply cannot. Fear can no longer grip you as it once did, for the time of shrinking is no longer upon us. We are in expansion mode and we will shine as the sun does. The sun shines in the cold darkness of space with no fear it will be engulfed. We shall shine our lights and breathe creation into a chasm of space for the universe to marvel and rejoice at. The universe has been rooting for you all along, because we are one. “Uni” meaning “one” and “verse” meaning song. We are one song and together we shall perform a beautiful symphony of highs and lows. We will surf the cosmic sound waves and bestow ourselves with the splendor and joyous music for all to hear.
Always remember, as an end nears, so too, does a pulchritudinous beginning. Carry on, loves.
Written by Redwolf
